We all have our ups and downs in life. That is normal, who doesn't? But sometimes in our life there is a time when we get stuck, and feel down and cannot bounce up again. We feel down due to many causes. Sometimes the reasons are clear why we may feel this way. Either because we had just lost a loved one, or just had a baby, or because we just moved away from home…etc. But sometimes we feel depressed and we don’t know why or that what we are experiencing is actually a depression.
This happened to me recently. I have had my share of ups and downs in life, and with God’s help I had sailed through them. Six months ago, I moved again and settled somewhere I had lived before and considered home for a long time, so it wasn’t new. The kids had settled well and started school, work, and I was left home alone. I suddenly felt a huge void. That feeling of emptiness was overwhelming. I started feeling down, exhausted and tired all the time. I felt that I didn’t want to do anything anymore because everything felt like a huge effort. I didn’t want to cook nor take care of anyone. I was heavy hearted and wanted to be left alone and spend all day in bed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone nor meet anyone, so I secluded myself. I just wanted to stay home, all the time. Everyday felt like the day before and the day after. I gradually lost the zest in life, felt numb and lost my appetite, not just for food but for everything. I lost weight and became lethargic and weak. This happened over 3 months. I didn’t realize then what I was going through was a depression. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone until I figured out what was happening to me, what was wrong and why I felt that way.
I finally opened up and spoke to a friend, who was close but lived far away. I felt safe opening up to her and she helped me realize that what I was experiencing was a depression because she had gone through it herself after moving countries. I realized then that I had multiple reasons to feel that way. It could’ve been due to the move, although I had been moving around countries, literally all my life. But I honestly felt a sense of stability in our last move because I thought it would be the last one, and suddenly that feeling was taken away from me. I had some gastrointestinal issues which my friend pointed could also manifest into a depression. I was also going through an existential crisis because as my kids were older and independent I suddenly felt like an empty nester. Everyone in my family was going on with their lives while I reflected on mine and felt a huge void. I felt unfulfilled, like I hadn’t accomplished anything nor made a difference. I was also probably going through Perimenopause since I’m at that age. Nobody ever mentions that depression is also a side effect to the many changes happening to you. In addition I later discovered after doing some blood tests, that I had a severe Vitamin D deficiency. All of the above reasons can lead to a depression and I had all of them and hence a severe one.
My family noticed I wasn’t my active bubbly self and so did my close friends. I wasn't ready to open up and I shunned everyone around me. It took me a while to figure out what I was going through. Admitting to myself that I wasn’t alright and reaching out and talking to my friend helped me understand that. When I finally figured out what it was and why I was feeling that way, I started feeling a bit better. I also started doing something about it. I needed to get myself out of that downward spiral. After doing some self reflection, I realized I had some unaccomplished dreams that I wanted to pursue, and that gave me hope and purpose.
I always wanted to be an artist and to study Art, and I believe it is never too late to pursue your dreams. I had just met an artist friend who always inspired me with her work, and she told me about an interesting workshop she was joining. So, I signed myself up to this Artists’ Workshop to unblock my creativity which motivated me to pursue my dream and turn it into action. Among the tools is keeping a morning journal and going on an Artist date by myself, for an hour each week, to do something fun. I got some art supplies and made myself a working corner at home. I put a plan on motion and am working towards achieving my goal, one art piece at a time. I started painting and joining different art workshops to improve my techniques and I regularly visit different art exhibitions for inspiration. I gradually started resuming my family duties, going out, meeting my friends, socializing and I recovered my zest for life and am back to my normal self. I reached out to my family and my closest friends and told them what I was going through and I felt that I had to share this here too.
Many of us are ashamed to admit that we are struggling or admit to ourselves that we are weak or vulnerable let alone telling others. But it is ok not to feel ok. We sometimes can’t face things alone and need someone to support us. We should always let someone know that we are not feeling ok. We should reach out for help, as depression could be a dark, long and lonely journey. There is nothing wrong in asking for help and explaining to your loved ones what you are going through. Mental illness is like any physical illness that needs to be addressed and dealt with. There is no shame in acknowledging that and seeking help. You are not alone.
